Carolina Politics Online

I passed a sign the other day in Cary, a suburb of bee-you-tee-ful Raleigh, N.C., that advertised gas at about $3.65 gallon. Damn near ran my car off the road out from the shock of seeing such cheap gas.

 

But in the next moment, it hit me. It finally happened. I was so accustomed to being treated like a Shawshank inmate every time I bought gas that even three-freakin’-sixty-five a gallon became as appealing as water in a desert. Then I got all sad and weepy. “What has happened to us?” I wondered.

 

Then I blamed the caribou.

 

Actually, it’s a bit unfair to blame the caribou for our inability to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge (ANWR). The truth is that ANWR is so God-awful miserable that even the caribou don’t want to live there. They much prefer to live alongside the Alaska oil-pipeline, which despite the most dire predictions of environmentalists, did not usher in a veritable caribou holocaust. In fact, the caribou population has quadrupled since the pipeline was built. Still, the enviro-wackos persist in more scare-mongering even as gas remains just short of an arm and will likely set it sights on a leg next year.

I know the following statement will be difficult for some people (Rep. David Price) to understand, so I’ll use small words and sarcasm to make it easier: Oil is the lifeblood of our economy, and whether you like it or not it will continue to be so for the foreseeable future. Yes, it would be great if our cars and power plants could run on cotton candy and happy thoughts, but we since we haven’t invented a synthetic alternative to fairy dust, oil it is! And the problem with oil right now is that we aren’t drilling enough of it.

 

We basically have a choice between two gloom-and-doom scenarios. The enviro-wacko scenario says that despite all the new technological advancements that make energy production safer, any new oil drilling or power-plant building will bring about some sort of environmental catastrophe that will lead to damn dirty apes inevitably ruling the planet.

 

My scenario says that in the battle between oil supply and oil demand, demand has opened up an insurmountable lead and the mercy rule is about to be invoked. The lack of supply has resulted in the skyrocketing price, which in turn affects nearly every aspect of our economy. And once you’re done taking out your second mortgage to fill up your car you’re still not done paying for the rising cost of gas. The price of nearly everything else we buy depends on the price at the pump. When products have to be shipped by truck or by plane, the shippers pay more for fuel costs and pass the price on to you.

 

I’m sure you’ve also noticed rising food prices. If it costs more money to ship that food from farms to your store, it costs more to buy it. Furthermore, farmers need fuel to run their tractors and other equipment, and now that costs more too.

 

We can also blame rising food prices on the secondary effects of our short-sighted encouragement of ethanol. The whole idea behind ethanol sounds like a failed plotline for a really bad absurdist sitcom. The main character, a stereotypical Falstaffian oaf, decides he wants to grow energy rather than drill for it, and hilarity ensues. Watch corn prices soar as people try to turn America’s main agricultural crop into fuel! Watch other farmers stop growing wheat and other crops to get in on the corn act- thereby raising prices for those crops too! Watch the whole scheme come tumbling down when we discover that fossil fuel input is just slightly less than ethanol output. Ha ha ha… I smell an Emmy award for comedy writing!

 

In the meantime, Russia is currently drilling its vast oil reserves out of Siberia and reaping the proceeds of their new oil wealth. Yet we can’t drill in ANWR?

 

Brazil recently located two enormous oil deposits off their Atlantic coast and will soon become energy independent. But we can’t drill for oil off the Atlantic and Pacific coasts?

 

Cuba and China entered into an agreement that now sees the Chinese government about to drill for oil 70 miles off the Florida Keys. It’s possible China could start slant drilling- tapping directly into American resources. Yet while China drinks our milkshake, we can’t drill in the Gulf of Mexico? Environmental alarmists wail and scream about how the oil rigs will pollute the Gulf Waters, while conveniently ignoring that when Hurricane Katrina roared through, none of the existing oil rigs were damaged.

 

When you include oil shale in the Rockies, the U.S. has more fossil fuel resources than Saudi Arabia, but we can’t tap the oil shale either. I don’t know, maybe the caribou’s friend, the big-horned sheep, might object.

 

What is going on? How the hell did the most powerful county on Earth become some neutered wussy?

 

Put aside these unfounded fears of a hypothetical environmental catastrophe. Pay more attention to the actual and far more likely economic catastrophe that will envelop this country unless our energy demands are met with a greater supply. We have enough resources to power our country for generations- generations who will then have the time and resources to develop the newer and cleaner energy sources that we simply don’t have now.

 

It’s time to open up our own natural resources and drill. And for those who disagree, I invite you to put your money where your mouth is. It costs me about $60 to fill up my tank, and I accept checks and money orders. Remember enviro-freaks, it’s for the caribou.

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