Carolina Politics Online

Mark Sanford

Want to be Jackass of the Year for 2010? It’s easy! All you have to do is be a lying hypocritical bastard who betrays his core supporters and cheats on his wife and family. That seems to be the best way to earn the wrath of CPO’s readers, who twice in two years have chosen just such a loser as their top jackass. Last year, John Edwards took home the prize. This year, it’s Mark Sanford. Hell hath no fury like a CPO reader scorned, I suppose.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first. Sanford tops this list because of the shitty way he treated his more-than-patient wife, the disgusting disregard he showed his children, and the mockery and disrepute he brought to the governor’s office. Then by not doing the decent thing (resigning and going the hell away), he’s subjected South Carolina to such an ongoing circus that there’s a trapeze set and a dancing bear outside the state capitol.

So for all that, Mark Sanfraud is a supreme and total jackass.

But Sanford is not only a jackass for what he did; he’s a jackass because now he can’t do what he could have done. If I may plagiarize Classic Hollywood for a moment: Mark Sanford coulda been somebody. He coulda been a contender… instead of a bum. And not just a contender for president in 2012; that’s just a job. Sanford could have been the voice of an entire political movement that is desperately needed in America. Since 1994, he had been been regarded as a continually ascending star on the right and as an articulate and passionate spokesman for libertarian conservatism. In much the way that Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan re-defined the Republican Party,  Sanford too could have led a generational and ideological shift that could have forever changed this county.  Instead, he threw it all away for a booty call.

When I spoke about Kay Hagan and Bev Perdue, I noted that they were both fortunate enough to be at the right place at the right time. Sanford too had that opportunity rolled out to him on a silver platter. America faces more internal danger today than it’s faced at any time since the Civil War. It is indebting itself at a suicidal pace and taxing itself out of prosperity. The treasury prints money like toilet paper. It clings to entitlement programs it simply cannot afford. It faces an older generation that continuously asks what more the government can do for them, and a younger generation that clamors for their own goodie train to start chugging up the tracks.

Into all this could have strode a voice of reason and fiscal sanity. A leader who didn’t just talk about making government smaller, but actually took steps to do it. Somebody who wouldn’t be afraid to tell the teet-suckers and the governments hacks to shove off. Someone around whom like-minded conservatives and libertarians could rally. Mark Sanford was going to be that man. It was going to be his time. And when his country needed him to step up and lead… he stepped out to cavort on the Appalachian Trail in Argentina with his soulmate on the taxpayer’s dime.

He leaves behind him only the shadow of what could have been. Not just for him, but for the country. Maybe another, better man or woman will step up and be the leader America needs.

Or maybe not.

Mark Sanford is a dule-threat jackass. In one selfish, mindless, conceited act of stupidity, he betrayed the people who loved him the most- his family. In that same act, he also let down the people who could have needed him the most- his fellow countrymen. Mark Sanford could have been somebody… he could been a contender, a president, an ideological lodestar for an American revitalization…

Or he could have simply been a good husband and father.

Instead, he’s a jackass. The biggest one of 2009.

Bev Perdue

Bev Perdue: Mini-Mike

“I don’t believe you can raise taxes in an economy with folks struggling the way they are.”
-Candidate Bev Perdue, Oct. 2008

Sept. 1, 2009: A 14% sales tax increase, signed by Gov. Perdue, goes into effect.

One of the all-time dumbest things I’ve ever seen was witnessed on Election Day, 2008. Outside many polling locations in Wake County were signs, erected by the NC Democrat Party, with the message: “Vote for Change- Vote Democrat”. Instructions for straight ticket voting followed.

Now, if we’re talking about change exclusively on a Presidential level, those signs would be appropriate. I think we can all agree that it was inappropriate to apply that logic to U.S. House and Senate campaigns, as Democrats controlled both those chambers.

The reason those signs entered the threshold of the idiotic, however, was that anyone with even a cursory knowledge of N.C. politics knows that here, “change” means voting for Republicans. Democrats have held the governor’s mansion since 1992. Since 1900, they’ve held the state house for all but a few years. They’ve held the state senate since Reconstruction. Reconstruction! That’s like McDonald’s having a sign saying, “Eat Healthy- Scarf down a Big Mac!”

I was reminded of those signs as I sat thinking of what to write about your choice for the penultimate jackass of 2009- N.C. Governor Beverly Perdue. For all the talk of “change”, both nationally and statewide, all I’ve seen in the past year is the same old incompetence on a more cataclysmic scale.

“Change” would have meant a governor taking a tougher stand against the knee-high crap-pool of corruption in this state. Instead, she appointed Tony Rand, who is corruption personified, as head of the parole board. What, Bev? Couldn’t wait for Jim Black to get out of prison? At least he’d be more qualified.

“Change” would have meant avoiding absurdist dick-measuring contests like the tax-wasting fiasco between her and June Atkinson. It took several months and a court decision for Bev to finally figure out what was clear to anyone who could read- that Atkinson’s office and authority are clearly defined in the state constitution.

“Change” would have meant cutting spending to avoid budget deficits. Oh, some spending was cut- teachers got the shaft, which was ironic considering that Perdue was a teacher and that they are her core constituency. Nice move Bev. I hope you told them it was for a good cause, because while you hung them out to dry, you refused to cut a $25 million pier, $123 million for the Wildlife Resources Commission, $55 million for low income energy assistance, $277 million in “free” child care, which isn’t so free if you pay taxes to support it, a “cultural tour” to China, and more pork spending projects than I care to review here.

And “change” would have meant doing something about North Carolina being the highest taxed state in the southeast. When you and I have income troubles, we cut spending. When the N.C. state government has income troubles… they just get more income by raising taxes. Perdue, who pledged not to sign a tax increase on “working families”, signed a 14% sales tax increase and an income tax surcharge. Well… at least we can say that our tax rate changed.

Yesterday I said that Kay Hagan was one of those accidents of history who happened to be at the right place at the right time- in this case, a Democrat in 2008. Ditto for Purdue. Now a woman who has no business running more than a Qwik-E-Mart is doing her damnedest to ruin the state’s economy for a generation. Not even her pal Mike Easley did that, and that’s why Bev Perdue is the 2nd Biggest Jackass of 2009. Not bad for your first year in office Bev. Now let’s see how low you can crater your approval ratings in 2010.

Tomorrow- Your choice the Biggest Jackass of 2009!

Kay Hagan

Kay Hagan, like a lot of politicians, seems destined to go down as one of those accidents of history. She shows no great intelligence or political skill. There is no over-riding theme or rationale to her time in office. She has very few accomplishments to her name. And yet, through luck or destiny, she and many others like her somehow find themselves at the right place at the right time.

Pity the rest of us.

Because when Kay Hagan took her oath, North Carolina didn’t get a senator; Harry Reid got a marionette. Hagan campaigned as a moderate, but after a year in office it’s obvious that she isn’t. Conservatives accuse her of being a liberal, but I don’t think that’s accurate either. No, Hagan is really more of a political jello mold: she has no spine. She has no brain. Shake her with a hard question and watch her wiggle and jiggle around like an overweight hula dancer. Sure, she stays in roughly the same shape throughout, but it’s the shape her Democrat enablers made for her. I’d be very surprised if in the past year this woman has come up with a single original thought.

Hagan showed off her “moderate” credentials by criticizing a budget with an almost $2 trillion hole in it…  right before she joined the rest of her party and voted for it. Spineless.

Then she said the budget reins in fiscal irresponsibility. Brainless.

She feigned uncertainty about how she’d vote on the “We’ll Throw You in Jail if you Don’t Buy Health Insurance” Bill. Then joined every other Democrat in voting to bill your family $40,000. Spineless.

But when asked if it was unconstitutional, she wouldn’t give an answer. When asked if she would vote for the health care bill even if the majority of North Carolinians opposed it, she wouldn’t give an answer. When asked if she’d vote to raise income taxes or tax people’s health care plans in order to fund a public plan, she wouldn’t give an answer. I don’t think she can. I don’t think she’s capable of the thought processes that would go into answering those questions. Brainless.

Oh, to be fair, she was the only Democrat to vote against placing tobacco under the scrutiny of the Food & Drug Administration, marking the first time in perhaps her entire political career that she’s proven herself capable of independent thought. Somehow, I don’t foresee this becoming a trend.

And so for voting for several bills that not only harm her constituents, but her entire country; for being an empty shell with no clear convictions; and for being utterly incapable of independent or even rational thought, Kay Hagan (D-Harry Reid) is the 3rd Biggest Jackass of 2009. 

Tomorrow, the 2nd Bigggest Jackass of 2009.

Mike Easley

Mike Easley

I could make this incredibly easy and just recycle Easley’s Jackass entry from last year. You see, Former Gov. Clownass now has the distinction of being the only person to make the Jackass list both in 2008 and 2009- both times coming in at #4. That right there is more than he ever accomplished in eight unfortunate years as governor of N.C.

Last year’s entry did have one line of note that I’d like to bring up again. I mentioned that only the timely intervention of Rod Blagojevich saved Easley from the distinction of being the nation’s worst governor. Well, Mike must have taken that to heart, because in the year since, his antics have officially surpassed Blago’s and earned him the distinction of the nation’s worst recent ex-governor! Congratulations, Mike!

I find it fascinating that for eight years, a lot of people thought that Easley was nothing more than a do-nothing slug; sort of a political version of Punxsutawney Phil. Phil comes out once a year to check his shadow, and Mike comes out once a year to see which way the wind is blowing before he signs a few bills. But it appears as if we underestimated Mike. His public veneer of a detached, lazy, incompetent idiot effectively covered what lay within- an active, devious, incompetent idiot. In retrospect, it seems like hardly a day went by that Easley wasn’t breaking some sort of law. No wonder he was too busy to attend to his day job!

And it though it only took eight years and dogged reporting from the Carolina Journal (piggybacked by the N&O after Easley left office) for the powers that be to finally notice that Easley was breaking more laws than he signed, it finally appears as if he’s going to pay for his public corruption: unreported campaign flights, a cushy do-nothing job for his wife, unlawful bundling of campaign funds, sweetheart land deals, and more. All this while N.C. had the highest taxes in the southeast, a decaying economy, crumbling roads, an incompetent parole system, and other troubles that are coming to light daily.

So for all this, Mike Easley (aka. Gov. Clownass) is named the 4th Biggest Jackass of 2009. And here’s hoping that in 2010, we’ll be able to retire this picture:

and replace it with this one:

Tomorrow, your choice for the 3rd Biggest Jackass of 2009.

John Spratt

John Spratt has represented South Carolina in the U.S. House for close to 30 years. That is, if you equate the word “represent” with the act of ass-raping, as Rep. Spratt apparently does.

If you’re like Bane Windlow and myself however, and do not equate those two things, then Rep. Spratt hasn’t “represented” his sore-bottomed constituents in many, many years.

Oh, he certainly claims too. Gets paid big bucks for it and has a sweet pension too. But I’d be hard-pressed to find too many of his constituents in northern S.C. who share his passion for taxes, government expansion, and massive spending increases.

Let’s cover the big ones first. Supported the stimulus? Check. Supported the government takeover of health care? Check. Loyal Lap Dog to Queen Nancy of Cooko Land? Chu-eck! Yes, his legislative record is certainly jackasstic, but it’s the sheer contempt in which this man must hold his constituents that really earned him a spot on this list.

While unemployment surpasses 20% in some parts of his district, Spratt voted to give more of our tax dollars to Wall St. in a “bailout”. Spratt supported Cap & Trade (or as I call it- “Crap & Tax”), a disastrous piece of legislation that could end up being the largest total tax increase in American history. Crap & Tax would almost exclusively increase taxes on the poor and middle class. Some “representative”.

Spratt voted to keep the “Death Tax” (a tax on inheritance), but sat on the budget committee that wrote a monstrosity of a budget with a $2 trillion hole that our grandchildren will someday have to pay off. So according to Spratt, his constituents should be taxed if they pass their savings or heirlooms on to their children, but it’s perfectly OK for him and his pals to pass their debt to the next generation. With interest.

And what a debt it will be. Spratt and his handler Queen Nancy recently voted to raise the debt ceiling, so now we can pass on even more zeros to our progeny. I wish I could raise my debt ceiling when I wanted to spend more. It must be good to be John Spratt. Not so good, though, to be his constituents.

For voting against the interests of his constituents (and the whole damn country) for close to 30 years, including votes for Crap & Tax, the Stimulus, a government takeover of Health Care, and a myriad more abominations, John Spratt has richly earned the title of the 5th Biggest Jackass of 2009. And may he be sent on an extended vacation in 2010.

Tomorrow- the 4th Biggest Jackass of 2009

VOTING EXTENDED THROUGH CHRISTMAS!

I’ve sorted through your comments and your emails and now I’m pleased to present your nominees. I’m changing the rules a bit from last year, so as you look over this fine list of the best the Carolinas has to offer, keep this in mind:

-You may now vote for THREE people. THREE. Why? Because the outpouring of nominations for one particular jackass was so overwhelming, if I limited y’all to just one vote, he’d end up with about 95% and I wouldn’t be able to rank jackasses #2-5.  So vote for THREE people as your top jackasses.

-Vote by responding to this post or by emailing me at press7forceltic@carolinapoliticsonline.com.

-Voting ends on Christmas Day, and we’ll start counting down the Top 5 Jackassess on Christmas Day.

The nominees are…

Mark Sanford- Now the odds on favorite to take home the gold. Last year’s winner, John Edwards, was also a philandering scumbag.

Tony Rand- N.C.’s ethically challenged out-going Senate Majority Leader.

John Spratt- Bane Windlow’s favorite congressman.

Hugh Holliman- the smartest man in the word. This N.C. House member was the driving force behind the liberty-killing smoking ban. Hugh is smarter than you are, so just shut up and do what he says, OK?

“Gosh” (aka. “Giggles”) and other Trolls- We know you’re brain-dead losers. Why must you remind us of it? Every day?

Kay Hagan- N.C.’s  freshman U.S. Senator voted for the porkulus bill that will indebt the grandkids you don’t even have yet.

Richard Burr- N.C.’s other U.S. Senator didn’t indebt your grandkids, but he’s not exactly the best steward of your tax dollars either. He’s a very weak incumbent up for re-election next year.

Lindsay Graham- Who needs Democrats when you’ve got Lindsay Graham-nesty?

McClatchy News- The Raleigh N&O and the Charlotte Observer. Once again showing us how to lose customers and not influence people.

Bev Perdue- N.C.s first-year governor has one of the lowest approval ratings in the country. But she’s still better than…

Mike Easley- Ex-Gov. Clownass is making more news out of office than he did while in it. Multiple state and federal investigations will do that.

Cal Cunningham- Will he be, as one of our commenters says, another John Edwards? Well, Edwards was Jackass of the Year, so Cal’s off to a good start.

UNC Head Basketball Coach Roy Williams- Because I think Logic Connection went to Dook or something.

and finally…

The Wake County School Status Quo Coalition- I received  a lot of individual nominations for people who all have two things in common: wanting to preserve a failed and harmful school system and showing us the definition of “sore loser” after getting their asses kicked last election. So I compiled them into this one big pile. Teacher’s Union? Clay Aiken? The Rev. Racist Piece-of-Shit (aka. William Barber)? All here. Oh yeah… and this lady and all her supporters. Watch this video and tell me that anyone who wanted her on the school board isn’t some sort of jackass.

Who’s the biggest Jackass of 2009? Respond to this post or email me at press7forceltic@carolinapoliticsonline.com with your nominations. Nominate as many people as you want!

LAST DAY FOR NOMINATIONS!!!

It’s Christmas season once again! How do you know? Well, you’re shoving Thanksgiving leftovers into your refrigerator, untangling Christmas lights, wondering where you’re going to put your tree, and asked to decide which of 2009’s large collection of losers and assholes is the biggest, baddest, most obnoxious of them all- the 2009 Jackass of the Year!

Some of our old readers may remember that last year, our first ever Jackass of the Year Award was presented to John Edwards who, inexplicably, did not show up to personally accept it. John’s eligible again this year, but he’s got stiff competition from perhaps the best set of competitors we’ll ever see for a Jackass award.

Who is the biggest Jackass of 2009? Well, that’s up to you! Here’s how it works:

1. Starting now and continuing to Friday, Dec. 18th, nominations are open. You can nominate whoever you like and can submit as many nominations as you would like. In fact, I encourage you to submit several names. You can nominate someone by leaving a comment below this (or future Jackass contest postings) or by emailing me: press7forceltic@carolinapoliticsonline.com.

2. Nominations close on Dec. 19th. I’ll gather the most frequent, most odious, and most intriguing nominations and present them to you. Then, you vote for the ONE person who you think most deserves the title of Jackass of the Year.

3. Voting closes on Dec. 25th. I’ll count them up and on Dec. 26th present Jackasses 10 through 6. Starting Dec. 27th, I’ll count down a Jackass per day before revealing the 2009 Jackass of the Year on New Year’s Eve.

Got it? Good. Here’s a few tips for nominations:

-Those eligible for nominations should be North or South Carolina based. You may nominated someone from outside our area, but they must have a direct impact on the Carolinas. For instance, you can nominate Barack Obama (as I’m sure many of you would like to do), but only for what his policies have done to the Carolinas.

-We are non-partisan, and you should be too. Last year’s winner was John Edwards. Second place? Elizabeth Dole.

-There are no shortage of Jackasses… so there should be no shortage of nominations. And you South Carolinains need to step up- most of last year’s finalists were North Carolinians. Yes, I know our state is swarming with Jackasses, but still…

So send in your nominations and get even with those Jackasses who helped ruin 2009 for you!

Who Will Win?

John Edwards

There are jackasses. Then there are super-primo jackasses. Then there are those who do things that even jackasses find repulsive. It’s about right there, with the rest of the parasites living on the underbelly of jackassery, that you’ll find John Edwards, your choice for Carolina Politics Online’s 2008 Jackass of the Year.

Congratulations readers. You have made a fine choice indeed.

Some may accuse me of partisanship-inspired hyperbole, but I believe that John Edwards is such a truly loathsome human being that I can write until tomorrow and be unable to muster the words necessary to express just how much I detest this waste of protoplasm. It’s not simply that he has no redeeming value; it’s that on the whole, he’s a net negative to society. Because John Edwards exists, politics is a little more cynical, the legal profession is less noble, a doctor’s appointment costs a little more, and even sunsets lose a little bit of their splendor. Edwards just sucks the vibrancy and joy out of life like the overgrown tic he is. You, me, your family, and America are all worse off because of John Edwards.

There are so many reasons to detest this man, the hardest part about writing this is keeping it short while still explaining why he’s such a Jackass. I suppose we should start with the fact that because of John Edwards, expectant mothers across the United States have few doctors to help them and more costs to pay.

You see, Edwards made his name (and his fortune), suing obstetricians for causing Cerebral Palsy (CP) in the babies they were delivering. Edwards claimed that CP was caused by doctors waiting too long to perform C-sections. During his first big CP trial, he “channeled” the voice of a young CP victim during his closing argument. “She speaks through me”, he told the jury, who may have confused him with John Edward, that TV guy who talks to dead people and fellow nominee for Biggest Douche in the Universe. The channeling must have worked, because despite having no actual proof that the doctors did anything wrong, the jury found in his favor and awarded his clients $6.5 million.

The only problem with this is that it was all bullsh-t. Thanks to Edwards and other tics with law degrees, many obstetricians decided to cover their butts practicing “defensive medicine”- including ordering C-sections when they weren’t needed to ensure they wouldn’t get sued for not ordering one. Well, despite the resulting rise in the number of C-sections, the CP rate remained the same. There are no medical correlations between C-sections and CP. But John Edwards will never tell that to a jury he’s trying to snooker.

Continue Reading »

Elizabeth Dole

Excuse me if I’m a little reluctant to do this. There’s just something about casting stones at a matronly old lady, deserved or not, that makes me squirm. So I’ll be a little nicer to “Liddy” than I otherwise would.

Soon to be Ex.-Sen. Elizabeth Dole probably isn’t a “jackass” in the truest sense of the word. Especially if we compare her to the previous three entries, and especially to the next one. Here’s what she is: a failed U.S. Senator, a semi-carpetbagger, and the owner of one of the worst re-election campaigns I have ever seen, replete with one of the most shoddy, brain-dead, miscalculated campaign ads in political history.

This campaign was so bad, that what started off as a near certain re-election (so certain to that most big-name Dems passed on challenging her) ended up as a rout, with Dole losing big to woman most North Carolinians hadn’t even heard of 8 months ago. Part of this blame falls at the feet of her campaign team, who should do the decent thing and give her a full refund. Part of the blame also falls on Barack Obama, whose concerted efforts in N.C. certainly helped Hagan win. And still more of the blame falls on George W. Bush and his God-awful Presidency for nearly destroying the Republican brand name.

But most of the blame falls on Dole herself. Despite have universal name recognition across North Carolina, she was never as strong as she presumed herself to be when this campaign started. Most North Carolinians seemed to think of her more as a creature of Washington (with the occasional commute to N.C.), than as a real North Carolinian. If she was surprised by this, she shouldn’t have been. She faced the same criticism in 2002, when she faced a tougher than anticipated challenge from Erskine Bowels and won an uninspiring victory after running a lackadaisical campaign. For a better politician, such a close call would have been a wake-up call to spend as much time as possible in the Tar Heel State. But Dole isn’t a very good politician.

If you need further proof of her poor political skills, I refer you to The Worst Ad of the Decade. An ad that was so bad it may have torpedoed her AND filtered down to hurt Pat McCrory and John McCain. It was so bad, Elizabeth Dole could have put up a 30 second ad showing her horking loogies on the state flag, and it would have done less damage. It was such a miscalculated blunder of epic proportions that everyone who had anything to do with it should be exiled from North Carolina and never be allowed near another campaign again. Ever. EVER.

Let me tell you a true story. It’s not widely known at in addition to The Ad, Dole also made a mailer that hit Hagan on the Godless Americans issue. Well, myself and two Republican mercenary staffers on loan from the RNC were in a certain county’s GOP campaign HQ’s when we saw the mailers. The ad hadn’t come out yet, and we read through the mailers wearing quizzical expressions upon our faces. All three of us, I swear, honestly believed that these mailers were a poorly done 3rd Party hit piece that had been erroneously dropped off at GOP HQ’s. None of us could believe that a professional U.S. Senate campaign had produced something that looked like a bad student government election flyer. And yet… those mailers were better than that TV ad.

And so for being a lousy politician, for not paying more attention to the home front, for running a terrible campaign, and for being responsible for one of the worst ads in political history- all of which helped saddle N.C. with an inexperienced liberal senator who’ll be little more than Harry Reid’s marionette for 6 years, Elizabeth Dole is number two on this list.

Tomorrow- your choice for the BIGGEST Jackass of 2008.

Mike Nifong

And then there was Mike Nifong. This joker’s jackassery was so awful and destructive, that even though most of the important stuff took place two years ago, in 2006, he STILL placed third in this contest, and was the early odds-on favorite to win. Had this contest been held in either 2006 or 2007, we’d be calling the Jackass trophy the Mike Nifong Memorial Cup.

I’m comtemptuous of straight ticket voters, and just plain don’t like Easley because I think he’s an incompetent clown. But Mike Nifong is a whole new critter. This guy set about using the criminal justice system to ruin innocent people’s lives in order to win an election. In so doing he personified what civil libertarians like myself fear most- government run amok. Usually, a tale of some rouge government bureaucrat with nearly unlimited power to destroy your life is a recycled plot out of a lousy movie. But Nifong made it real. What’s truly scary though, is the near certainly that there are more Nifong’s out there. Nifong’s who don’t pick on rich kids with $3 million to spend for defense lawyers and who don’t get caught abusing their power in a headline-making case.

In 2007, after the case has been pried from his grasp and the three Duke lacrosse players were exonerated, Nifong was subjected to disbarment hearings. With the parents of the three college students whose lives he tried to ruin in the room, Nifong still said that he believed “something” took place, and gave a trite and empty apology for his actions. Not surprisingly, the State Bar Disciplinary Committee was not impressed, and he became the first sitting district attorney in the history of North Carolina to be disbarred. Nifong called the process, “fundamentally unfair”. Well, he would know.

He also served a one day stint in jail. If there was any justice the world, he would have spent a year in general population with a bunch of dudes he put in jail. Dudes who thought he had a “pretty mouth”.

Just about the only time this jackass was in the news in 2008 was when he tried desperately to avoid having to pay restitution to the lacrosse players he railroaded. In January of this year he declared bankruptcy with liabilities of over $180 million. Luckily, he appears to be as incompetent as he is corrupt- the bankruptcy claim was thrown out and the civil suit against him will continue. This jackass should live in a Maytag box in some ally in Durham, and spend the rest of his life paying for what he did.

A special mini-jackass trophy goes to Crystal Gail Magnum, the waste of space stripper who instigated this whole mess by falsely accusing the Duke lacrosse team of rape. First, she said 20 people raped her. Eventually, she modified it down to three. Then, she decided that maybe she wasn’t raped at all. Then we found out that she had sex that night with two other people who weren’t even on the team.

Well, after helping almost ruin the lives of three people, she decided to write a book about it this year! She, and everyone who buys that book, are jackasses.

Finally, another special trophy goes to the members of the Duke faculty who automatically presumed the players guilty, and to the jackasses who distributed Wanted posters around campus with the faces and names of the lacrosse team members- even those who hadn’t been accused of anything. These people have yet to apologize for their actions. Geez, even Nifong sort of apologized. Jackasses all.

Tomorrow, your choice for the second biggest Jackass of 2008

Mike Easley

Well, now you know that the next three people on this list HAVE to be pretty bad to push Easley to only the number 4 slot!

Thanks to the timely intervention of Rod Blagojevich, I’m prevented from calling Easley the worst governor in the country, but damn, it sure is tempting. He’s at least in the bottom 5. But if Blago is a jackass (and he is), it’s because of the things he did. Easley is on this list mostly because of the things he didn’t do.

North Carolina’s mental health system broke down. Easely did nothing.

North Carolina’s criminal justice system lets freakin’ murderers and gang bangers walk around our neighborhoods and no one keeps track of them. Easley did nothing.

North Carolina’s reputation for corruption is enhanced by a Speaker of the House going to the clink and by scandals involving the DMV, Transportation Department, State Ethics Commission (!), his own family, and several state house members. Easley did nothing.

No wait, I’m sorry… he did do something. He APPOINTED many of the people who share the blame for these problems. And when it came time to fix those problems… Easley did nothing.

When Easley did get around to making a public appearance or actually, y’know, governing, he usually did the wrong thing. Under his tenure, N.C. has the highest taxes in the southeast, a massive state debt coupled with increased spending, and the highest unemployment rate in a generation- before the recent economic troubles.

And yet, Michael Easley will walk blithely into the sunset next month, the state having been made worse by his tenure and with is wife picking up a neat little job at NC State (and a hefty paycheck to boot). Well, they’ve gotta pay the bills somehow. After all, a hamburger and fries DO cost $60 in some places. At least the Easley’s won’t be eating in Governor’s Mansion anymore.

Tomorrow, your choice for the third biggest jackass of 2008.

Straight Ticket Voters

Straight ticket voting is for people who think that picking their leaders should be just as easy as picking their nose. After all, maintaining a Republic is hard work, what with all that researching of the candidates, keeping up with those complicated issues, and then actually showing up at the polls and marking a little circle beside a candidate in every single race. My hand cramps just thinking about it. No, all that work is for suckers and losers with nothing better to do. These demigods of democracy need to get home to play World of Warcraft or vote for the next American Idol. Now there’s an election that really matters!

Many Republicans in North Carolina, including Pat McCrory and the Mighty Les Merritt, lost close races because too many of these Jackasses showed up at the polls, their jeans freshly creamed from thinking about Barack Obama on the way over, and voted straight ticket Democrat without a second thought. A second thought to what? Oh, how about a second thought to the fact that in North Carolina, “change” meant voting for Pat McCrory, not Gov. Clownass’ mini-me, now the governor-elect. Or that Les Merritt was the best friend N.C. taxpayers had in Raleigh, and that voting straight ticket Democrat was literally letting the fox guard the henhouse.

I don’t want to sound like a bitchy sore-loser Republican either; I’m an equal opportunity hardass. I didn’t vote straight ticket Republican because there were some Republicans on the ballot I didn’t like. When I vote, I actually give a damn about who I’m giving my vote to, so I don’t switch my brain to the “off” position, wipe the drool off my face, and give carte blanche to some political party to make my decisions for me. That’s how Republics die. But straight ticket voters, of BOTH parties, treat the picking of their leaders like they’re choosing a Twix bar out a vending machine, then turn around and wonder why their government is so craptacular. It’s because they’re jackasses, that’s why.

Tomorrow- your choice for the 4th Biggest Jackass of 2008.

How does one tell a jackass? Through their words? Their deeds? Or with an intangible, unknowable aura that surrounds their very being? An oppressive, weighty specter that simply radiates out from within them and compels you, despite knowing nothing else about them, to proclaim: “That’s a Jackass”.

Perhaps, as we look at this list of notables that our voters have proclaimed to be “jackasses”, we shall learn what makes them what they are, and strive to avoid imitating them in any way. Or we’ll just let off some steam by insulting the people who’ve pissed us off this year.

The 2008 Jackass of the Year Contest has come to a close, and I’d like to thank all of you for indulging my little grievance-fest with support, ideas, and votes. Hopefully you’ve gotten off your chest whatever needed to be gotten off, and you can start 2009 a little more cheerful than you otherwise would. Thanks to everyone who participated in our inaugural contest, and keep a look out for Jackasstic behavior in 2009. If I don’t do anything that’ll cause Bane Windlow to kick me off his site, we’ll have another contest next year.

Today, I announce the runners up: numbers 5-10 (in no particular order) from the votes submitted both to this site and to my email. Though not in the top five, let us all agree that the following people are worthy of the title, “Jackass”:

Bev Perdue,
Kay Hagan,
The Anti-Christmas Tree Wackos at UNC,
RINOs, and
Lindsay Graham.

Tomorrow, I unveil Jackass #5.

Let’s face it- 2008 sucked for conservative/libertarian North Carolinians. I suppose our South Carolinian friends did a bit better, but overall it was a pretty crappy year for everyone. Well, if you’re like me, you need to blow off a little steam. So introducing the first of what will hopefully be an annual contest- The CPO Jackass of the Year Awards!

Here’s how it works- you either reply to this message or send me an email (press7forceltic@carolinapoliticsonline.com) with your nominations for Jackass of the Year. You can submit as many names as you’d like, but nominations are limited to North and South Carolinians AND non-Carolinians who have had a direct effect on our two states. If there’s some national figure out there who you think desperately deserves the Jackass title, please visit our sister site, Save the GOP, where I’m running a similar contest. Nominations close on Monday, Dec. 15th.

On Tuesday, Dec. 16th I’ll post the finalists, and you’ll have until Christmas Day to vote for your choice for Jackass of the Year. The Honorable Mentions will be announced on Dec. 26th, and from Dec. 27th we’ll start counting down the TOP FIVE Jackasses, culminating with the naming of the 2008 Carolina Politics Online Jackass of the Year on New Year’s Eve.

So who’s your pick? Mike Easley? Linda Daves? Mark Sanford? And don’t feel obligated to make a conventional pick. Go ahead and pick someone outside of politics. Although rare, there are plenty of non-political Jackasses out there just waiting to be nominated! You can also nominate a group or organization- I know the NCGOP will be high on my list. 

So send in those nominations and stay tuned for more updates!